watching the stars tonight. waiting.

2012-01-08T04:41:00.000+08:00

kaseumnomuappa. weikereiappamoolahyo. noteurawaseo, keresoappa? notemune, namaeilmaeilnomusopsoppada. honjanomuhimderesou.

2012-01-07T05:57:00.003+08:00

it's been a really really really long week. i don't think i slept more than 10 hours this week. ugh.

i hope my next weekend's free :p

happy birthday rachel love (: i'm sorry about tonight ): i love you very very much! <3

2012-01-03T23:55:00.002+08:00

otteukajo?

dete, kaette. dete, kaette. deru ga itai, kaeru mo itai. tsukaretane.

feels like we're taking steps nearer and yet further at the same time. doshitte ne, watashi mo shirimasen.

2012-01-03T02:15:00.001+08:00

at the end of the day, everyone dies. it's just how you die really. old or young. in a tragic accident or peacefully in your sleep. quickly or slowly. in the comfort of your own home or in a foreign bed in a hospital that smells like the death that has come to claim you. with your loved ones or alone. all of it is fate, karma and retribution. you reap what you sow don't you.

sometimes.. i think that life might just be easier being alone. i don't have to answer to anyone about anything. i can look after my parents without worrying about others. i can lead the life i want to lead. and yet at the same time, i know that when my parents, aunts, uncles & yet die, i will really be left all alone in this world. that's the problem of being an only child eh.

it's been more than 15 years since i've had to face something like this again. i don't quite remember the last time actually. being older sucks. you can't help but be more involved in everything. and i feel so sorry sometimes i can't do more. or maybe i just don't know how to do more.

no matter how close or distant we are.. a life is a life. the extinguishment of a life is painful no matter how long you've been prepared for it, or how long that person has had to live. i was never good at saying goodbye.

2011-12-28T03:37:00.005+08:00

the year end always get me thinking and brooding. sleep just won't come.

2011-12-28T00:58:00.003+08:00

this is why i couldn't be a doctor. my death is easy. the death of others, not quite so. to see a vibrant human being degenerate and fall apart. i can't do it.

2011-12-27T03:01:00.000+08:00

i just read your august post and i'm all emotionallike a menopausal/pregnant woman (y)

i can't wait for our 2014 date. but let's have many more in the meantime. including our mongolian date (y) and twilight & one day stopped showing ): grumps

you are my soulmate <3

2011-12-27T01:39:00.002+08:00

2011 just went by in a heartbeat. well, my heart feels dead, so i'm not sure what kind of a heartbeat i'm talking about. but you get what i mean.

2011 was about being home, about being with my family and dearest friends, about doing what i think i ought to do, and taking the cumbersome but unfortunately necessary steps to build the foundation for my dreams. this year definitely won't stand out as one of the best years of my life. i think nothing can quite beat 2009 and 2010. perhaps 2014? haha.

but i am thankful nonetheless for what 2011 brought me. 2011 can best be described as new friends and old friends i suppose. new friends have to be may, dom & sakhoo. they made everyday a joy, everyday bearable. and the madness and quirks of us four is just awesome (: haha. and old friends, you know who you are. actually i think everyone knows since i'm always going on about my best friends (snorts). you guys are my world (:

and i am equally thankful for those at work. everyone is genuinely nice. and i honestly can't ask for anything more.

i learned how elastic i was this year. how i can be pushed and reach greater lengths. (albeit rather grumpily sometimes). i realised how much korean i actually understand (its all thanks to korean dramas). i felt the helplessness and frustration of being stuck here when i wanted to be out there easing some of the senseless suffering of this world. i realised how easily i could give up material possessions. i realised how discontented i would be with the rest of my life if i took the easy way out. i saw people for who they really are, stripped away of the riches, possessions, statuses and positions. i realised that at the end of the day, rich, poor, successful or downtrodden, we were fundamentally the same. death comes in the same form. suffering can come to anyone. and at the end of your life, whether lucid and young, or old, befuddled and drugged out, it is the simple things that come back to you. family, friends and what you have done with your life.

and with each year that goes by, the brevity of life never fails to shock me. it's so easy to put things off, to say tomorrow, next week. what if you don't have that tomorrow, that next week. that's why i always feel like i'm in such a rush. i don't know when it'll come. i don't know when i'll go. it's morbid i know, but i always have this feeling of urgency deep inside, like i'm never going to have enough time to achieve what i want to achieve. shrugs.

i shuttered my heart again this year. it wasn't hard really -.- but sometimes, i forget the hold you have on me, and i slip. and i don't like it. i've managed to stand more independently on my own now. no longer leaning on you as much. and while i hurt and am jealous at times. perhaps this is the only way to avoid greater pain, and to be okay with what is.

2012? i don't have much expectations really. all i want is health for my family and friends, less suffering for my grandma (mom's mom) and more opportunities to see the world. i just hope that i don't end up like a shriveled up corpse at the end of 2012. drained of my soul (y) thanks.

2011-12-03T02:43:00.001+08:00

I have such a crush on dae yoon from dugewol (two months). He is so bashful he is adorable to death. It totally doesnt hurt tt he has such a lovely voice, especially with yerim. Mms.I miss being surprised. I miss feeling that sense of wonderment. I feel dead and shriveled up inside. I'm not sure if I can last 2 years like this.

2011-10-27T02:51:00.001+08:00

hello age :p

it's birthday time again. i think i feel the age.. i can't quite be bothered with the crazy partying and getting drunk anymore. hahaha. poor chor ming doesn't have to play guardian again. snorts.

this year is a lot more quiet, more subdued. haha, and yet more intimate and casual i suppose. it's simply about spending time with people i love (:

from my 22nd birthday to this 23rd, i don't feel like i've grown much really. i haven't felt like i've moved very far forward, though i feel i've learnt alot, especially in the 6 months i was working. the only thing that grew, is my desire for greater things and my determination to get there. at least my 23rd year in this world wasn't wasted :p

haha. i'm really unwilling to say i'm 23 now (though i seem to have forgotten my age at times and have been stumped when ppl ask me how old i am, then hurriedly answer 23 -.-)

happy birthday (soon) me (:

2011-10-03T01:05:00.001+08:00

i don't know when it started, or what caused it.. but i no longer like the perfect, polished, sparkly and well put-together part of life. i used to be afraid of dirt and mess. i'm still deathly afraid of things that flutter and skitter, but flopping on sunny patches of grass, moshing with others in the crowd and traveling the unknown in old rattling trains is what i've grown accustomed to. road-side food, warm homestays or hostels and wandering the quiet streets. that's what i like. too often i find the shiny sparkly side to have a deep dark underbelly that disgusts and scares me. it's just too much sometimes.

and might i add, regardless of how much you think you've seen the world, or how much you think i haven't seen, you have no bloody right to judge me or treat me like a prissy little princess. fuck off.

2011-09-28T04:38:00.001+08:00

it's like you were never part of my life. everyday goes on steadily. you lead your life, i lead mine. two different universes.

but then sometimes, when i see the little ones out of line, my hand creeps out unconsciously to put them back in order. and just like that, the missing and emptiness hits me out of nowhere.

i'm not that great at forgetting after all.

2011-09-23T06:42:00.000+08:00

i feel this great divide nowadays. but when i start to feel despair, a screw outing always comes along, and i thank my lucky stars for screw.

2011-09-15T03:26:00.002+08:00

i think it takes great courage and a great man, when at the top of one of the tallest peaks in the world, to choose to save a friend, and failing that, choosing to stay with that friend till he drew his last breath. and in accompanying his friend on his last journey, he gave up his last chance of survival.

it also takes great friends with big hearts to make the dangerous climb up the same mountain just to retrieve the bodies of their friends.

it's people like these that give me some hope for humanity.

2011-09-14T02:51:00.000+08:00

time is not something you can stop. be it slowly, quickly, happily or painfully, it will pass by all the same.

the only thing we can do is to spend that time memorably. it doesn't necessarily mean that we are happy all the time, but rather, each day is spent with meaning. be it spent with someone special, or spent chasing after a small desire, or chasing after a big dream.

2011-09-06T01:36:00.001+08:00

we live in a world that is obsessed with labels and stereotypes.

and everytime something or someone happens, we struggle to fit them into these nicely drawn boxed up categories. even the craziest japanese fashions have their neat little types.

i mean, i love organisation and all. but sometimes, it feels like when you try to fit people into categories that are fixed and rigid, or try to go down a fixed list of requirements, the small wonderfully quirky things get lost in the process. when people tell me things like, why do you want to date a boy who's ... or why aren't you looking for someone before you start work.. how are you going to get married? i usually stare and blink like an owl. i feel like telling them it's people like them that make me not want to get married -.- why can't people just be in the moment, together, not together, as long as they are happy? why do we need the labels of boyfriend, husband, "it's complicated". why do things have to be so bloody complicated. you enjoy being together, you spend time together. is putting the name of girlfriend, boyfriend on the relationship going to make you happier? if he's gonna leave, you can throw the chains of marriage and parenthood and grandparenthood even around a person's neck and that person will still happily skip off. if you're happy, you're happy. simple as that. and even if you're happy in that moment, it doesn't mean that moment will last, or that you will be together forever. but the result at the end doesn't take anything away from the happiness of that moment does it?

too many people don't get the process. they think that studying is only to get the degree or job at the end, or dating is the staircase you climb towards marriage and 2.5 children. everyone's just missing the point. the best most memorable moments in life are the quiet simple ones that allows you to just be in that moment. like if i think about my paris trip, it isn't the bags, shoes, eiffel tower or louvre that comes to mind first. it's the tiny little crepe shop in paris st. germain that i had a bowl of cider in. or in tuscany, it was actually one quiet sunday in castellini where the shops were all shut and we were just running around the streets. or in new york, it was that sunny afternoon on the highline. watching happy couples of different sexes and races. it gave me so much hope for this world (: that is the kind of world that i really really want to be a part of. open, free, accepting and comfortable.

you don't have to go out to do something, or buy something. sometimes, it's just nice to sit somewhere and watch the world go by. and maybe that's why i can be so content at home as well. the solitude, the still air and my thoughts. i'm happy. why can't others accept that i'm happy like that.

my dad is thinking of buying me a car. there's a feeling of permanence to owning a car somewhere. i'd rather he just buy me an apartment in new york really.

2011-09-04T01:44:00.002+08:00

hello there. I'm really addicted to coffee nowadays. After I discovered that I can handle and even really like iced americanos in NYC, I'm officially hooked on iced americanos. No sugar, no milk = no unnecessary calories. Plus a strong boost of caffiene. Woots. But e irony is tt i am sleeping more than ever these days. Hmms. Something is wrong with this situation. Haha.

Men with kind warm eyes gives me googley feelings. Haha.

The tennis balls tt were hitting the back of my head loudly have gone away now. Have I grown so used to the pain tt I'm missing it? Or am I just masochistic?

2011-08-29T05:10:00.002+08:00

I used to think I would be happy to slow down later on in life.. To spend the next few decades burning as bright as i can, reach as far as i can. Then take the safe stable seat for the last few decades. And now, I suddenly don't want that anymore.

I want to spend the rest of my life, short, long, happy, sad, chasing down every single one of my dreams. Each and every one of them.. There's no expiry date on dreams right? Unless I'm trying to be a child actress or something. Snorts.

2011-08-26T05:38:00.002+08:00

When I give my heart, I give in it's entirety. It's always all or nothing for me. And tts how I've gained so much and lost so much..

And so, I left my heart and soul in London. And unlike people, London can't quite break my heart can it? And even though I wanna go to NYC, London feels like it's my home. I keep saying I want to go home. I don't feel comfortable here anymore. It's not a hate or like thing really.. I was comfortable in my own skin there. I learned to accept things, I learned to let go of my tight control and let myself float.. And to my surprise, things turned out better when I could let go. I am disgusted with myself when I plop onto e grass in a park and then bolt upright in fear of bugs. I hate being so uptight. I want to breathe deeply and easily. Take in the cold crisp air, run into the unknown, unafraid and undaunted.

2011-08-24T06:14:00.003+08:00

I did consider fashion once. I do so love making things with my hands after all.. But thinking abt it now, while I love fashion, gorgeous clothes, pretty shoes and new bags, sometimes it feels so empty? The continuous chase for beauty and ideals leaves a bad taste in my mouth sometimes. And while I do not think it is fair for ppl to judge others for being fashionable or wanting to look good, at the same time, I can understand why ppl think fashion can be materialistic and superficial. especially in light of the current state of this world.

I hope I get a long call break next yr. Tohoku ni ikitai desu.

2011-08-22T05:29:00.004+08:00

I'm disappointed. So disappointed. It is always the same story isn't it? That's how it is gonna be eh.

And yet, despite it all, I felt good. For the first time in a very long time in this country, standards didn't matter. It felt great really.

2011-08-19T06:01:00.003+08:00

the three and a half days was pure soul-food. international friends we are (:

let's go off my love, run off into a large city, just the two of us. we'll live in a flat together, go to weekend markets, listen to gigs sitting down among the standing crowd, explore the world, meet a curly-haired musician at the corner of the street, walk hand in hand in the sunset, take pictures year after year of us smiling brilliantly together, run around in the snow - probably with me having to lend you clothes. you're amazing you know that? everything makes sense.. you to me, me to you. and the world to us. i wish it was now 2014. i wanna run away with you now.

2011-08-11T02:48:00.001+08:00

since when did being happy become so difficult?

2011-08-04T00:00:00.003+08:00

Ten years of our lives have just gone by. Just like that. Watching the screen fade out on harry, hermione & ron made something inside of me seize and clench with nostalgia, wistfulness and sadness. From dressing up as harry and draco for stef's birthday, to movie dates, to sirius and remus, to queuing up at kino at 5 in e morning for e last book.

The nostalgia had me staring at two photos e whole night. One on fullerton bridge, e other on top of a pig. I want those crazy special moments again. Where we'd do anything for each other. Anything fir the others to smile. It feels like everything is being taken for granted now. I didn't spend half my life getting so angry with you, feeling so hurt by you, hurting you, yelling at each other like lunatics, cry because of you, cry with you, stand by you, fly all over the world for you and loving all of you, just to have it wither and fade into nothing like this. I don't think I can call this my home anymore if that does happen.

2011-07-30T01:28:00.002+08:00

i feel dead here.

or perhaps dying. like a flopping fish on a chopping board, gills fluttering, desperately trying to find some water to breathe. it's oxygen all the same, but yet, my oxygen has to come from water, and not the normal oxygen that everyone else breathes.

i'm not that kind of girl. i might never be that kind of girl. for 2 years i stopped thinking about that girl. it felt like the chains came off. and now, that girl haunts me again. everywhere.

i think i have the best possible friends i can have. they're beautiful people. beautiful, smart, funny, interesting, exciting and absolutely wonderful. and yet because some are not that kind of girl, they don't get what they deserve. this isn't right. because we don't conform, does it mean that we're anything less than those that either conform or just happen to fit into the mould?

sometimes i don't see the point in getting to know "strangers" here, because no one's a stranger. it's like trying to fish in rivers that you piss into -.- the 1 degree of separation thing is annoying me.

2011-07-25T03:58:00.001+08:00

I must say I'm really starting to dislike fb. The presences of so many ppl makes me feel so suffocated. It doesn't help tt e distance btwn each fb user in this country is so ridiculously small.

The two of you have been out of my mind for awhile now. And to have you two suddenly crashing into my mind again like this is really jarring. I can never quite forget that bitter feeling. How foolish I was for allowing myself to be blinded. To believe the cynicism. To think any less of myself.

And yet at the same time, if given e chance to redo it all, I'd choose the same path again. Not for all e unhappiness, but for e lesson. It made everything so crystal clear. It made me understand what I wanted. And it brought me one of e most precious things. So for tt, I'm thankful. But I honestly am not sure if we can be like we were.

Somehow, I always felt like I was just a stranger to a friend.

2011-07-20T03:29:00.003+08:00

This country's obsession with results, materialistic possessions, looks and rankings is getting to me. I'm getting affected by it and it upsets me. I was getting better in London. I was happier, more carefree. Perhaps in the eyes of the hardcore ones, I couldn't take the pressure of standards or I couldn't reach them - hence my aversion to them. There are things tt I've gotten and am and things tt i've missed out on or will never be. But tts life isn't it. What's meant to be will be. Obviously I don't mean to sit on your chair stupidly waiting for something to fall onto your lap. But I've given my all and I have no regrets. I'm happy with who I am and what I have. But the fact tt here can produce some of e most brilliant and yet constricted and narrowest minds I know scares me. In this meritocratic society obsessed with achievements, it scares me how big of a role they can play in future society. This kinda society I have no interest in. I'd gladly be somewhere else, maybe earning less or living differently, but happy and pursuing my dreams. No dream is too insignificant. And no one has e right to scoff at anyone's dreams.

2011-06-30T02:08:00.003+08:00

whoosh the end is in sight! three more days to independence day!!! gah, if this is how i react to going back to school, i have a feeling i'll be suicidal by the time i start work again next year. urghs. nvm, masters masters masters.

but the past six months haven't been that bad, to be honest. may ling, dom & sakhoo probably kept me alive & sane (: i'm very thankful for them.

but anyway, i'm off to nyc on monday! hello barneys, bergdorfs, shake shack, pink berry, joyce, yi peng & kaleni :DDD i'm super excited. woots!

2011-06-06T01:34:00.002+08:00

today i walked past the buskers at the basement of shaw centre. they were singing "let it be". and for a moment, i was brought back to that ridiculously sunny and warm day in the spring of 2009, when melissa and i headed up to paris for the weekend. that day we went up to the basilique du sacre-coeur. it was such a warm day for february in paris. we had gone to the market along the ecole militaire and had gotten our tummys all happy and full with roast chicken, roasted potatoes, pate, baguette and all.

then as we took our seat along the steps leading up to the basilique du sacre-coeur, with the many parisians and tourists, a jamaican man went to the front and started to sing beatles songs. it was an english song, sung by a jamaican, at the top of a hill in paris overlooking the entire city, with two singaporean girls sitting there among nationalities from all over the world. listening, enjoying, feeling the sun prickle our skin, the cool wind. it's possibly one of the best memories ever (:

that's how i want to live.. with seemingly insignificant days like that, but filled with so much meaning to me. to live among different nationalities. so live in a new place, so discover new things, to learn new cultures.

somehow, when i look at the things i do each day, they seem so minute and insignificant in light of what i could be doing. or even simply, how much i could be learning and feeling. it's a feeling that eats away at me inside.

2011-06-06T01:16:00.001+08:00

i don't what else to say anymore. i'm tired of justifying everything..

all i want to say, is that i have the heart. i hope i have the heart.

2011-06-05T06:45:00.001+08:00

oh dear, they just said "sayonara is chinese for get lost" on bones :p

2011-06-05T06:12:00.003+08:00

whahahahaha :p on an episode of bones, there was an episode on crypto-zoology (ie. loch ness, yetti, etc) and they referred to a sighting of the bukit-timah-monkey-man in singapore. snorts. FUNNY!

my utmost faith in bones makes me hope it is a joke, and not that they have an ignoramus for a writer.

2011-05-25T02:10:00.003+08:00

the little balls of water are salty.

having to be my own legs, crutches and all makes my soul so tired sometimes.

but what is the point really. i'd love to have crutches.. but at the same time, they're debilitating. they slow me down, they stop me from going places, they make many paths inaccessible. it's another sacrifice i suppose.. i'm selfish that way.

this week feels like forever. and yet at the same time, it feels enriching again.

my body's exhausted, my mind's all quiet and my heart is heavy.

it's time to escape to dreamland to find my kim su han mu dream.

2011-05-19T23:36:00.002+08:00

yet's on holiday and the house is so quiet.

the stillness and quiet in the house reminds me of the days in london (: but somehow it's too quiet.. i'm too used to the random chattering beneath my window, the cars zooming by, car alarms going off, drunken idiots brawling. haha.

and yet the best thing about going home to my flat.. was coming home to see the light on at the end of the corridor. haha. i never thought that the light seeping out from the bottom of the door could feel so warm

2011-05-16T00:06:00.003+08:00

to be far is torture, but to be near is even greater torture, though interspersed with bursts of joy.

so what is a girl to do?

i want to be a nomad. the lights have grown dim. the air too heavy. i feel like i'm shaking a dead heart, trying to get it to feel again.

i like being uninvolved in places. being there, but yet not being part of it. i'm too involved here. and it bugs me. over there, when people piss me off, i can just brush it off as stupid behaviour of other people. here, its my people. and sometimes its just too much.

2011-05-14T01:50:00.001+08:00

how fragile a life can be. how sudden we can go. and the pain, is not for those who leave too early, but those who are forced to say goodbye too soon.

2011-05-03T23:58:00.003+08:00

seeing the boys react the way to do to my outbursts.. i wonder where the hell in this tiny island did i find my boys. who never once blinked at the things i said or the words i do.

hongkong was fabulous (: nice time with mummy. got totally pissed off by ugly singaporeans and rude as well chinese tourists upon arrival in singapore. the latter pushed me onto the luggage carousel. thanks very much -.-

angie and i are going to build a rainbow.

words cannot describe the happiness that soared through my heart feeling the plane rumble under my seat. i was born to travel. i can't bear to lose my wings again ):

2011-04-24T23:31:00.002+08:00

attended my first wedding yesterday :p

i'm still recovering from it -.- sitting with my bosses will totally give me liver failure one day. hahaha. was totally awesome fun though :p

then met leslie & dione after that. good times (:

2011-04-17T02:10:00.000+08:00

i'm sorry but i need to shut everyone away for awhile.

2011-04-16T05:59:00.000+08:00

i'm chasing a fantasy that no one can meet. otekachi?

2011-04-12T01:40:00.002+08:00

한 여자가 그대를 사랑합니다 그 여자는 열심히 사랑합니다
매일 그림자처럼 그대를 따라다니며 그 여자는 웃으며 울고있어요

얼마나 얼마나 더 너를 이렇게 바라만 보며 혼자
이 바람같은 사랑 이 거지같은 사랑 계속해야 니가 나를 사랑 하겠니

조금만 가까이 와 조금만 한발 다가가면 두 발 도망가는
널 사랑하는 난 지금도 옆에 있어 그 여잔 웁니다

그 여자는 성격이 소심합니다 그래서 웃는 법을 배웠답니다
친한 친구에게도 못하는 얘기가 많은 그 여자의 마음은 눈물투성이

그래서 그 여자는 그댈 널 사랑 했데요 똑같아서
또 하나같은 바보 또 하나같은 바보 한번 나를 안아주고 가면 안되요

난 사랑받고 싶어 그대여 매일 속으로만 가슴 속으로만 소리를 지르며
그 여자는 오늘도 그 옆에 있데요

그 여자가 나라는 걸 아나요 알면서도 이러는 건 아니죠
모를꺼야 그댄 바보니까

얼마나 얼마나 더 너를 이렇게 바라만 보며 혼자
이 바람같은 사랑 이 거지같은 사랑 계속해야 니가 나를 사랑 하겠니

조금만 가까이 와 조금만 한발 다가가면 두 발 도망가는
널 사랑하는 난 지금도 옆에 있어 그 여잔 웁니다

kaetta to kaeranai ga dochira ga ii wakaranai. demo, watashi ga shitteiru wa issho ni no toki to betsu de no toki ga kokoro ga itaindesu. nani mo suru mo onagi desu. iku to deru ga dochira ga ii desuka. watashi mo shirimasen. demo, koko de matsu ga hoshikunai desu. kono kuni de zettai kokoro ga itai desu. sorekara, koko wo detai desu.

2011-04-10T05:13:00.002+08:00

i wish i was born in a country with a better entertainment scene, so that i could throw myself mindlessly into being a performer. let it consume me entirely. let each day be tiring, painful and yet full of satisfaction..

i didn't think i would have lasted this long without this sense of dissatisfaction really. i grumbled alot at the start, and yet i honestly did enjoy my time.

but the more i see of people, the more my days get consumed by work, the more cynical it all feels.. the more i dislike singapore and all it has come to be to me. i miss the freedom of london, the idealism of new york, the beauty of japan, the humanity in korea. all of those countries have something that i really want. and quite honestly, i'll gladly take any one out of the four than to have nothing at all..

but yet at the same time, i feel lost. with no real burning passion, or perhaps with passion but no where to go, i feel like i'm losing abit of myself each day.

2011-03-27T02:18:00.003+08:00

ofunato is nothing but rubble. nothing stands. so many of the old people couldn't make it to safe ground. my heart just aches for all the poor people there.

all of this is gone now. and no matter what, it'll never be the same..

often i do think, it was a lucky thing i was so insistent on visiting tohoku back then. if i hadn't gone, i'd have missed out on the beauty of that coast line.. i would not have met all those simple kind old folks. and probably, i might not be as badly affected as i am now.

although i'm physically here, my thoughts are there. i wish i could be there helping out. there's nothing i want more really.. and for those who scoffed at my plans for july, i'll just take it that i'm more of a person than you.

i hope the three ojii-sans who brought us out to sea were safe <3

2011-03-24T00:35:00.003+08:00

please donate whatever you can spare to japan.

p lease read. it broke my heart.

it is not about what nationality they are, which part of the world they come from, what they might have done in the past, their country's economic riches or who caused what.

it is simply that we belong to the same species. we might look different, but at our core, we are the same. grief, desperation, pain and loss is the same regardless of where you are. i don't understand how people can stand by and watch other members of the human race suffer and not even put a cent in.

kpmg (: i felt a great surge of affection for the accountants today. good for those who gave up their lunch hours today to collect money for japan. ganbatte ne (:

2011-03-16T22:57:00.002+08:00

i miss the freedom, the independence and the feeling of invincibility of being in london. the feeling that i can do anything i want to do..

it's not that i feel useless in singapore. but i feel restricted. and there are way too many fuckers in singapore who think so highly of themselves, think so lowly of others, that they feel like they have the right to make a judgment about someone.

who the hell are you to say i can't do exactly what i put my mind to. who are you to scoff at my dream or laugh at my hopes. you are a piece of shit okay. just because you're superficial, immature, stupid and such a bloody whiny brat, doesn't mean that everyone's just like you okay. it's people like you that make me question the need for religion. self-centered hypocrite.

2011-03-15T00:18:00.002+08:00

watashi no kokoro wa totemo itai desu. takusan nihonjin wo shinimashita.

kono sekai ni okane to ii shigoto ga aru mo tsukau ga arimasen. shinu no ato de, nani mo issho ni toremasen. sorekara, ikite iru no toki, sekai wo tasukeru wa moto ii desu. okane kara shigoto wo suru wa watashi no kokoro wa ureshikunai desu.

ima, watashi wa nihon ni ikitai desu. kono sekai ni iru no toki, watashi wa sekai ni imi no mono ga shitain desu. sorekara, kono sekai no toki wa imi no arun desu.

jikan. jikan ga ataeru. ni to san nen kan no atode, koko wo saritain desu. sekai ni itte, kono sekai no hito ga tasukete.

nihonjin to tohoku no hito wa ganbatte ne.

2011-03-12T20:08:00.003+08:00

i met this lovely old man in ofunato two years ago. he ran a tiny little okonomiyaki restaurant in the tiny quiet town by the sea. he had the kindest smile, chatting happily to me as i sat in front of his counter watching him fry the okonomiyakis. he told me he was from osaka, and had fallen in love with his wife, who was from ofunato. and so he had followed her here to this quiet seaside town. and because he loved his hometown, he opened a little okonomiyaki place in the midst of all the seafood restaurants.

ofunato was a tiny town right by the sea. it's much further up from sendai, but still along the miyagi coast nonetheless. i do hope he and his wife are safe and fine.

my heart ached like it was my country yesterday. i can't help but think about the alleys, streets and roads i walked along, drove along or ate along two years ago. sendai, akiu onsen, matsushima, ofunato and miyako.. matsushima the city that's famous for their oysters, sea urchin, scallops and oddly enough beef tongue. it's just next to sendai and by the sea ): oh matsushima.

2011-03-11T01:50:00.002+08:00

it was a long night. my brain was hurting by the end. but it was really enjoyable. maybe because it was just the bunch of us left. haha. there are some lovely people there (:

the irony of it all. you try so hard to put on this act, but at the core, you're exactly what you're trying so hard not to be. i don't understand the need to compare the number of hours. it's about quality, not quantity. so just shut up okay. i'm getting really pissed off. if i roll my eyes anymore, my eyeballs are going to fall off. i don't need to hear you moan and groan or gloat and show off.

just shut up.

but anyway, it was quite and good tonight. plus it was raining :p so i'm a happy girl. haha. the glistening streets, the constant movement of the wind-wipers and the pitter patter of the rain made for a happy wj. the only thing i miss is the crisp cold air in london in my room ):

2011-02-26T05:45:00.002+08:00

i'm good at shutting things away. the things that hurt, the things that suffocate me, the things i miss or want so bad i feel this ache inside of me. and i shut them away behind bolted doors, and sometimes in the hectic daily life, i do forget most of it. it's like the things never happened, or the people are just figments of my imagination, mere shadows that flit at the back of my mind.

but it is only in the quiet moments in the night, that the doors open slightly.. and longing more than anything else comes creeping out. longing for so many things, so many places, so many people. things, places and people i can't have right now. or maybe can't ever have..

and at the same time, when these doors are shut, not only do they keep things in, they keep the new things out. so stuck i am.

2011-02-26T02:23:00.002+08:00

i miss this quiet time in the middle of the night. where it's just me, the silence and the darkness. it is a good time indeed.

okay, i can't quite find a video that allows me to embed it here, but please go watch this: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HShpoVtjzko

i don't know if it was the song, or the choreography, or the pure raw emotion radiating from alex and allison, but the tears just wouldn't stop throughout the whole thing. it was so good. it takes my breath away. the beauty and the pain. it was wonderful.

i wish i was in the middle east. i wish i was part of it. i wish i was making a bigger difference in this world.

cynical people leave a really bitter taste in my mouth. i will get there. i swear i will. the fact that i'm really happy where i am now doesn't deter me from that. hell i'm choosing the treacherous rocky mountain pass that leads to god knows where, over the smooth pavement that leads to a minimum level of 'success' or comfort. i hope i make it through the next few years with this thought intact.

2011-02-13T04:20:00.002+08:00

it's challenging, but not difficult. it's fun, i don't hate it, i don't dread each morning, i genuinely enjoy myself, i'm thriving in my conditions, i like all the people, i am stimulated mentally each day, and i go to sleep with a sense of accomplishment and satisfaction everyday.

and yet.. i'm still wishing for more. to act, or dance, or go to new york, or run off to some isolated corner in this world. this is the calm gentle rocking of a boat in a lake. and while it is peaceful, uneventful, easy and comfortable. i miss the ups-and-downs, the tears, the euphoria, the drama, the extremes, the craziness. it's been a good 2 half years since i settled into this quite niche i've created. and i think it's only a matter of time before i get tired of this quietness and seek the bright lights again :p

sometimes i feel so damn ungrateful.

but a dream's a dream. what is the point in existing if i don't have one. how do i face myself when i'm on my death bed and realise i've done nothing to leave my mark on this world. and that would be it, i'd die and disappear and there would have been no difference if i had never been born.

2011-02-12T01:40:00.002+08:00

a tear, a laugh, a smile is the same no matter what colour your skin is, what country you are from or what language you speak. love, happiness, sadness and despair is the same.

we are all the same, and yet we are blinded by colour, nationality, languages and religion. i don't understand how people can dismiss a fellow human being. i just don't understand it. at the end of the day, everyone's the same. whether you are a 'highly educated' professional, a dictator, a rebel, a foreign worker or a child. no one has the right to dismiss another human being.

2011-02-12T00:08:00.002+08:00

teehee (: recognition and appreciation for my hard work feels absolutely wonderful. teehee. super happy.

early vday dinner with my parents tmr night at mbs. mms steak :D i've been craving meat. team lunch on sunday night 0_o this is our 'punishment'. hahahaha. karaoke with the young ones on monday. hahaha. we've got kpop, glee & lady gaga all lined up. that and two free lunches this week, plus yummy mojitos, cleared my week's deadlines and lovely ppl makes for one hell of a week. hahaha.

2011-02-08T22:24:00.003+08:00

nothing nothing absolutely nothing can replace the feeling of warmth, comfort, solace, love and being understood than the few precious words that were sent across space.

ten years my friends (: ten years since we met. ten years since i insulted you. ten years since you pulled me back from the bad insanity and into the best insanity. i love you my old old friends. haha.

i need to stop double-spacing after every full stop damnit -.-

2011-02-03T03:55:00.002+08:00

i love it how when dancers jump for joy, they still jump with pretty pointed toes (:

i feel like maybe it might be time to go back again.

happy chinese new year (: here i am tapping away at my research memo. ahaha. well at least i'm shou-shui-ing. grins. oh it was hilarious how i had to explain how shou-shui and ren2 re4 (7th day of e cny) to e pupils room. hahaha.

apparently the partners know all our secrets (including our blogs) 0_o hahaha. so erh hello?

2011-01-18T23:53:00.002+08:00

it's been two weeks and a bit. time really flies. i can so see how people bury their head into work, only to look up and find that years have passed, and while they've moved on with their career, their life, heart and soul remains empty and never moving..

anyway, to be fair, i'm pretty impressed with some (: naturally there are those who irk me.. but i must say majority are beyond decent (: so it's all good.

hello friends (: come visit me for lunch!

2011-01-16T23:50:00.000+08:00

this country is like a one ton demolishing ball to my self-esteem.

2011-01-09T05:19:00.002+08:00

love and other drugs is definitely on my list of favourite films of all time (: anne hathaway is sexiness personified in that quirky, raw, natural sexy way. jake gyllenhaal's abit too muscley for me here :p but the chemistry between them is awesome. hahaha.

joyce! go watch the movie, the apartment that anne hathaway lives in is kinda like the loft of my dreams, just without the dirty fridge and walls :p haha.

mms (: that's so how i want to live my life in five years from now. doing something i love, a quiet but fulfilling life with someone i love, living for the right things, and just being me (:

haha, i like how angie described me tonight. free-spirited. tonight was lovely as usual (: teehee, i missed my angie baby!

2011-01-08T04:45:00.002+08:00

everyone's seemed to have moved on to the next part of their lives, setting out the boxes to be ticked, and have already started going down the list..

and yet the thing is, while there are a few things i do know i really want in life, somehow it never occurred to me that they should occur now. there are so many things in life i still want to do. i like being free and owing no obligations to anyone. and even if i were to owe any obligations, i want the person i owe it to, to be the most amazing person i know. to share my crazy, ludicrous dreams that seem to constantly float higher and higher up to the skies. i'm just not that type to be happy to live a life that is all about doing what is right in life, or fulfilling the norms or ideals set out by society, especially this society. for all that i dislike about america, i seem to be seeking the american dream. the dream that anyone can dream, and if you work hard enough, that dream will one day be yours. and till i at least make a shot at that dream, i will always live with this perpetual dissatisfaction, hunger, yearning, caged-up feeling.

seriously, i never knew how much i appreciated rg girls, till one agreed with my ideas about marriage and made me feel less like an outcast today -.- i'm tired of people asking me about any domestic intentions. NO PLANS WHATSOEVER OKAY. the oppressive air is bearing down on me.

owen pallett was pretty good. but the precious hours after that was perfect (:

2011-01-05T02:20:00.002+08:00

every night i come home, eat, crash. it's been the same two nights in a row :p and although it's only been two days, i don't really feel like much of a stranger there. so it feels good actually (: there are some lovely people there who are awesome.

although i'm not doing anything particularly interesting or new, it's good to have something to do, to have deadlines to meet. i rather like this whole research thing :p makes me feel like telders everyday. hahaha.

do come find me for lunch (:

2011-01-01T19:15:00.001+08:00

this is the cutest thing (:

2010-12-30T04:59:00.002+08:00

Picture perfect memories scattered all around the floor
Reachin' for the phone 'cause I can't fight it anymore
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind
For me it happens all the time

It's a quarter after one, I'm all alone and I need you now 
Said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now
And I don't know how I can do without
I just need you now

Another shot of whiskey can't stop looking at the door  
Wishing you'd come sweeping in the way you did before
And I wonder if I ever cross your mind
For me it happens all the time

It's a quarter after one, I'm a little drunk and I need you now  
 Said I wouldn't call but I lost all control and I need you now
 And I don't know how I can do without
 I just need you now

you can just be so cruel.

i will miss these quiet moments in the middle of the night. when i'm alone with the silence and my thoughts. the sanctity of my self-built room in 71 marchmont street. i miss it.

2010-12-30T00:25:00.002+08:00

you all can be so damn cruel. but at the same time, that cruelty while painful, might actually be better for me in the long run.

2010-12-29T04:22:00.003+08:00

mms, it's the time of the year for some good ol' musings and reminiscing.

2010 was a big year. a year that shined so brightly in its best moments, and pitch darkness in its worst.

bad things first. goodbyes. there were too many goodbyes this year. goodbye to london, goodbye to my loves in london, goodbye to flat b, 71 marchmont street, goodbye to the dysfunctional odd family we created in that flat, goodbye to the fresh crisp cold air i love, goodbye to the freedom that made me feel alive. but i promise myself it won't be a final goodbye (:

missing out :p that sucked. but i'm happy with all that i gave, so i'm okay with it really. haha. and regarding the others, well, i'm just taking it as it not being the right time :p what's meant to be will be, in its own time..

good things then. there was telders, the ski trip, being back with angie, mondays with ming, snow in seoul, family time.

graduation was rather anticlimatic. but the part where they asked the parents to stand up to applaud for us to congratulate us on making it the entire journey, and then us to applaud them, for all the support they've given us to help us three years, and the pat my father gave me when i walked off the stage, smiling and telling me 'well done, i'm proud of you'. those really had me staring desperately at the ceiling, willing my mascara & eyeliner not to run. having my family there, all healthy and happy made it awesome. to stand on houghton street one last time, laughing with angela & kaylene with no worries in the world. that was our moment, i wish we could have been stuck in that glossy, bright moment forever.

travels (: ah, my last year of crazy traveling for a couple of years. let's see where i got to this year.. singapore. london, serre chevalier, prague, zagreb, belgrade, athens, santorini, mykonos a whole circle around ireland - north and the republic of ireland (galway was lovely), rome, tuscany - chianti, florence, san gimignano, venice, paris, hong kong, seoul, niseko & tokyo (: i'm glad i'm ending the year with tokyo, my favourite (: i went to all the places i said i wanted to go. czech republic, croatia, serbia, the greek islands, niseko, seoul & tokyo. finally i got to south korea (: it was bloody awesome stuff. the villa in tuscany (that was super isolated) and the lodge in annupuri village, niseko was beyond lovely (((: i love these kinds of traveling. the best part was my uncle was there both times. i love traveling with him. he totally rocks my world (((: hahaha. i adore him to bits.

snowboarding. hahaha, i discovered snowboarding this year (: was a total mess at it in march. but still it was so much fun, bloody painful, but fun nonetheless. and yet the second time in niseko, everything just made sense and i suddenly found that i could snowboard :D that was fantastic! i loved the super steep black runs, cutting across the wide runs. whoosh. the feel of the air rushing by your ears, the incredible speed at which you zoom down the mountain is such an adrenaline rush. its a thrill i haven't had since i stopped trampoline. and god do i love it (: it doesn't matter how much i hurt myself, or how 'i could kill myself' (as my mum says), i'm gonna keep doing this every year :D and i'm so getting my own board next year. teehee.

japanese. i'm glad i'm still practising my japanese (: and i'm still learning.

dreams. everything became clear this year. everything i loved suddenly came together in the form of my ultimate dream. a dream i will keep chasing (:

the thing i'll miss most from 2010 is what we shared in flat b, 71 marchmont street. my friends from london will always be there, but those perfect times in our apartment is something we can never go back to, regardless of how much i wish for it. the pizza nights with chor ming, kenneth & joyce, with our meat galore pizza, and the fried chicken, or kfc nights, both with shit lousy streamed champions league football. or the mornings on saturday where i'd roll out of bed, pull my hoodie on and roll out of the house to go buy my risotto balls, chorizo sandwich or cupcakes from my bloomsbury market. sometimes kenneth & joyce would join me, and we'd just sit in the square, with all our goodies, basking in the warm sunshine (: and the nights that chor ming and i cooked together, or the hot soup on a winter's night, the lovely talks, the crazy stupid things we'd do (: these memories never fail to bring this warm fond feeling inside of me (:

and for 2011. it'll be the 10th year decade of the 202 friendships (: and it's the start of worklife for me. i've been whinging about it, but in all actual fact, as the days get closer to the start of 2011, i feel ready for this new start. to officially put down the next step in seek of my dream (:

so for 2011, all i hope is that i pass the part b, get to travel somehow or another, spend time with my friends, have everyone stay healthy & alive, enjoy my work, and enjoy life (: ooh and snowboard more! teehee.

2010-12-27T02:42:00.001+08:00

do you remember she's all that? it gave me some adorably good times (: oh freddie. and cruel intentions, sarah, ryan, reese. sinfully good (:

2010-12-27T01:06:00.003+08:00

when i asked you if you'd move there, and you said you'd like to, i felt this strong wave of envy and jealousy sweep over me. it was ugly i know, and a momentary weakness i'd like to believe, for i know that all i want is for my friends to be happy. but it was still there for awhile nonetheless.

but then thinking back on it now.. i wonder why i felt that actually. i too can go wherever i want.

all of a sudden i'm rather interested in reporting or documentary work. to travel to different countries, to see the different cultures, enjoy the differences [instead of complaining -rolls eyes-].

and then what's so wrong about loving a totally unique and different culture? i'm tired of defending it.

on a separate note, japan & korea were awesome. the fantastic culture, shopping and eating in seoul :DDD ming and i ate 5 times a day. teehee. and then tons of snow in hokkaido :D SNOWBOARDING WAS AWESOMEEEEEE! hahaha, i somehow improved loads from e lat time. snorts. i told tsuki it must be the japanese food and powder snow. and she replied 'the whole of japan must be behind you' teeehee. so cute she is. but seriously, from falling, tumbling and sliding down the green and blue slopes in france, i was turning, whizzing and cutting my way down black slopes in japan [not to boast :p] hahaha. it was awesomely fun (: i've got my eye on a snowboard that i'm gonna get next season. whoopeeee! ps. my uncle rocks my world

2010-12-12T14:54:00.001+08:00

i'm back from seoul (((: was so awesome! so much good food, shopping, korean culture & SNOW :D just tt ming & i both fell sick. and i think i'm falling sick again -.- lovely. at the airport now, heading off to tokyo haneda soon, before flying into hokkaido tmr morning. lalala.

would you actually believe that i lost quite abit of weight from korea 0_o

snowboarding's going to help too :D HAHA. sayonara for now!

2010-12-05T06:29:00.002+08:00

happy birthday ah mah (:

i hope i can keep on celebrating your birthday like this for many many years to come, all the preparation and cooking is all worth it (:

mms, off to korea after ah mah's dinner tonight. so excited :DDD FINALLY SEOUULLLL HERE I COME BABY!

pls let me meet jo kwon! PLEASE PLEASE PLEASEEEEEEE. he was absolutely adorable yesterday at the i love asian pop concert. i screamed my throat out -.- he did the abracadabra & hoot dance. swoons. i love 2am ((((: and of course 2pm's junsu and beast's ki kwang were fabulously hot :D hai. so much love (:

okay, need to go send my dad for his 10km stan chart run -.- why meeee.

2010-12-02T05:03:00.001+08:00

true freedom is awesome :D

today was lovely <3

2010-12-01T07:56:00.002+08:00

it is snowing in london ):

mms. i'm obsessively checking cnn every couple of hours to make sure war hasn't broken out in the korean peninsula yet -.- whoopee.

subway stations are bomb shelters right? 0_o

2010-11-28T02:21:00.003+08:00

for someone who spent her early teenage years chasing after the title of 'rebel', i've somehow become a massive stickler for manners and righteousness. and the fact that so many bloody singaporeans have such bad manners is pissing me off. seriously. having the lift close in my face two days straight is not funny. absolutely appalling. bloody hell

2010-11-24T00:00:00.002+08:00

my heart sank when i heard the news. politics and power, how scary they are.. that they can tear apart a country, people who have the same blood running through them, families and friends. at the end of the day, lives are lost, sons are being mourned, homes are ruined, hate is created.. all for what? how i wish violence did not exist.

2010-11-23T03:45:00.003+08:00

christmas time has always been london time (: not the exact date, but the whole month before it. we used to go to london every few years in december when i was young, to revel in the christmas lights along oxford street, regent street and in harrods. to me, christmas in london was all about the bright sparkling lights, crazy amounts of shopping, mulled wine, pubs, ice-skating and books. haha. i loved my london bookshops.

and the past three years, it was all about christmas shopping with angela, a visit to some bloody ass cold country (paris, stockholm & helsinki), christmas markets, mulled wine (tt is my BIGGEST christmas love), cider, christmas shopping and all the lovely jolly festive spirit. mms (:

well at least i get the freezing ass country trip :p and mulled wine of course. hahaha. seoul's already beneath zero degrees (time to bring out the whole trunk of winter clothes i've amassed over the years), and ski season's about to begin in niseko. hello cold and powder snow (: here i come. oh nothing makes me happier than freezing temperatures and christmas (: they are love.

2010-11-18T04:09:00.002+08:00

a shrug, a faint smile and all that patience i seem to show. i'm willing to wait and put everything on the line now because i believe it is worth waiting for. or perhaps something better hasn't come along. but then again i haven't been particularly active in seeking that 'something better' have i?

so i continue waiting. patiently. perhaps foolishly.

and yet it is times like these, in the depths of the night and darkness and there is nothing to distract me from my consuming thoughts, that i wonder, 'what if'? what if what i waited for comes true, does it mean happily ever after? but worse than that, what if it never comes true, or i never get a shot at it? or if everything is shattered by one much better than me? then what becomes of these years? these years that i spent waiting. would they just be empty and in vain?

2010-11-18T00:36:00.002+08:00

oh huang qiushuang is an absolute delight to watch (: and tanaka rie has the loveliest body lines and a beautiful smile (((: oh how i love gymnastics

2010-11-18T00:28:00.003+08:00

mms. the best part of the asian games is the glimpses i get of tomita hiroyuki (: ahh those few seconds are the best. brings back memories of the 2004 olympics. ahh love love love.

tonight was lovely (:

2010-11-17T01:21:00.002+08:00

you can so tell from the frequency of one's blog posts whether they're having exams or not :p

did i mention i'm free like a birdddddd (provided i pass yeh)

i'm just counting down the days till my darling loves in nus finish their exams (don't complain, i'm suffering without you all too). and then we are off to SEOUL BABYYYYY :D the last time i traveled with rachel was wayyyy back in 2007 0_o too long rachel tan :p and so far it's never been ming, rachel & i. just like the 202 days. i feel like giving the two of them chinese textbooks and seeing whether they still flip to the same pages. that was way creepy. mms.

and one day after i arrive back from seoul, i'm off to hokkaido's niseko village for some bruising tumbling down the mountain slopes, erh i mean snowboarding :D i'll so be black & blue -.- just hope i don't get whiplash & a concussion again. that really hurt -.- it is massive seow family outing. hai. this is going to be one hell of a noisy trip i tell you. and then i get 4 days in tokyo with my uncle :DDD teehee, two days will be in harajuku & shibuya. eeeee :D tanoshii ne :D hahaha.

mms my nihongo sensei is simply adorable. her last name's kawai. grins. me wa todemo ookii desune. eigo mo iidesune. maishuu ishonni nihongo hanashitteimasu. tanoshikute, omoshiroi desu. ima nihongo to kankokugo wa benkyoshitteimasu. kankokugo no kotoba wa todemo muzukashi desune ): taihen desune. hai.

long day tmr :p i'm exhausted. sleep sleep. oyasuminasai (:

2010-11-07T02:55:00.002+08:00

this looks like a good movie :p jake gyllenhaal is like red wine damnit. aging very very well (:

damn, i've got 3 exams next week. of which 2 i'm rather blank about and all i can focus on right now is the rather loud and annoying throb in my right temple. argh.

the one who can't say no is always the loser. when you put anything up on a platter, all ready & available for the taking, all you end up with are the desperate ones who'll take anything. lovely.

studying isn't working. i'm going to sleep. mother's dragging me to a family luncheon tmr. the day before crim -.- thanks mum. and then there's bloody evidence on weds and f-ing company on friday. gee i love being a lawyer.

seriously, if at the age of 30 i'm nowhere near my dream of being an international lawyer, i'm quitting everything and go live the rest of my life out floating from one city to the next. all this is only bearable because of that goal in the far distance. and somehow my parents don't quite seem to get that. they think my 'dreams' are just well dreams. another bloody phase i'll get over. we'll see

2010-11-04T05:11:00.003+08:00

cass: i read the article that you had put up a link to, and my feminist tendencies flared up like the biggest gold-dust firework you see on national day. BOOM right across the sky. i'd love to hear cui's opinion on this.

okay. i get the derision and slight contempt for what he termed as 'mediocre females'. yes i know what kind of girls he's talking about, and while i do roll my eyes at these girls when i see them dragging their stupid flip-flops along the shiny floors of one of the shopping centres in orchard, in their tiny micro shorts, with their mandatory lv bags perched carefully on a jutting out arm.. somehow i feel affronted as a female with the tag of mediocrity placed upon them.

i have my fair share of complaints about people who just live to exist. they go through the same motions everyday of their life, fulfill the necessary obligations, school, degree, job, marriage, kids, a few lv bags here and there, grandkids, look after them, and then die. sometimes i just wish i could see some motivation, hope, dreams or whatever. the guts to be different, the yearning to make a change.

but at the same time i know that for some people, there simply is no such lofty ambitions. they are happy to live each day quietly and peacefully. some live to survive. and who is fault them for that. i don't believe that anyone has the right to just sit there and damn these women just because they fall into the faceless average singaporean girl category. we can criticise lifestyles on a personal level, in the sense that i don't like that lifestyle or i won't live my way like that. that's you. that doesn't give one a right to call them mediocre.

secondly, i think history has shown, and it is still going on now, the male role in female subordination has not simply been limited to the creation of a 'damsel in distress' role, or that or a 'virtuous wife and mother'. men have continually seek to put women in what they believe to be their 'rightful place', be it through social stigma, societal and familial pressure or even violence. Iran recently gave out execution orders for the woman who was accused of adultery. and while there are definitely many women who voluntarily accept the subordinate role so created, is it so bad. is it so wrong to choose that? does that make them mediocre?

and then, the topic of mediocre men. HAHAHA :p oh trust me i have a lot to talk about them. its so easy to say that all women care about are their looks. gee, i wonder who made them so beauty conscious with chauvinistic men constantly comparing which girls has the hottest legs, telling their girlfriends they are fat when they themselves have paunches at the age of 25. like i said, there are faults on both sides of the coin. i'm not trying to pin these on men. i'm just trying to say it is unfair to only criticise women as mediocre for being a certain way, and completely leaving out the other sex's criticisms.

and lastly, snorts, this is the argument that annoys me to no end ALL THE TIME. i absolutely absolutely absolutely (emphasis felt?) hate the fact that a passion or interest in fashion seems to constantly be used as an argument in support of mediocrity/lack of seriousness/lack of intelligence/anything bad about the female sex really. c'mon. the most common group of people i hear these statements from are those who think way too highly of themselves, take themselves too seriously and think that a lack of fashion seems to equate to intelligence or seriousness about their work. often i feel that the men who come up with these arguments just sound so sexist.

why does an interest in fashion and beauty make you boring/such a typical girl/'mediocre'? it is a form of personal pride, looking presentable no? and here they can list a whole list of artists as 'brilliant people' like picasso, van gogh and botticelli. but can't they see that fashion is another art too? a much more practical art in fact - you can wear it, cover your body and keep you warm at times :p instead of hanging it on a wall or keep it in a museum under lock and key. and fashion has produced an incredibly long list of brilliant geniuses too - chanel, karl lagerfeld, alexander mcqueen, balenciaga, just to name a few. isn't it funny how your so-called 'frivolous, mundane and oh-so-feminine based' industry is led by so many brilliant males. sorry, i think an attempt to copy these fashions from far east is much better than the typical male singaporean's uniform of bermudas, polo shirt and slippers. thanks :p

whoosh. i think my brain got fried during my spore constitutional law exam today -.- what a bloody waste of my time. mms. glad that's over with. i think i passed :p haha. on to the remaining three.

do tell me what you thought cui :p

ps. i know this is bordering slightly on a personal attack, but the inclusion of the japanese words were simply unnecessary, and often erh incorrect or simply irrelevant -.-

2010-11-02T05:08:00.003+08:00

it completely breaks my heart to see the old women and men separated by the north and south divide in korea. the scenes of the reunion of a tiny fraction of the hundreds of thousand families, weeping, wailing, clasping hands tightly together in hope that the inevitable separation (again) would not come. i don't understand the need to tear people apart like that, to hurt people who are of the same blood, same nationality and same culture like that. its so cruel when you see the face of an old man crumple upon finding out his mother hadn't been able to wait for him, and had died a few days before being able to meet him again after decades.

was this all really worth it? it scares me how much one person can affect so many lives, tear so many families apart.

2010-11-02T00:03:00.001+08:00

mmm :D mondays and tuesdays are the happiest days of my week. sungkyunkwan scandal is the new love of my life. swoons

2010-10-31T00:01:00.000+08:00

yay we're going koreaaaaaaaaaaa :D nomu nomu kipou! teehee

2010-10-30T06:39:00.001+08:00

i'm craving the beyond orgasmic fries we had in hongkong :p

2010-10-29T03:41:00.002+08:00

i felt the knot in my chest unloosen as we ran crazily and with gleeful abandonment. let's do it all over the world okay? (:

2010-10-28T01:18:00.002+08:00

happy birthday me (:

haha. its quiet this year. no negative or positive connotation to it i suppose. the house is quiet, everyone's asleep. makes me kinda miss the warmth, energy, laughter of 71 marchmont street. i had some of the best birthdays there (: but the celebration of one's birthday isn't about looking back pensively and longingly is it? though it is the celebration of the fact i've made it to 22 years of my life, and each and every day of that 22 years on this world is something to be thankful and grateful for.. it is also a step upwards and onwards to something else. i hesitate in saying better, simply because the moments i've had in the past are irreplaceable, precious and will always be kept carefully in the depths of my heart. but at the same time, with each year, i get a step closer to where i want to be in life, and that's something that only comes with age & experience.

so while i loathe the idea of growing old. at the same time, it is inevitable. so i'm going to embrace it and move with the flow. no more whinging about shit, work and denied opportunities. i'm going to hold on to what i want, who i love and fight my way there (:

much love to screw & angie (:

Many persons have the wrong idea of what constitutes true happiness. It is not attained through self-gratification but through fidelity to a worthy purpose. - Helen Keller

2010-10-20T03:26:00.002+08:00

i'm all emo-schemo today. had a dream last night or maybe it was mid-day today :p made me remember the rush it gave me. but as usual, the thought of that rush brought the accompanying roll of my stomach at the taste and the smell. it'll almost be a year since i had it. haha. don't particularly miss it, though the headiness is tempting. i so get why people are addicted.

2010-10-20T01:37:00.001+08:00

i love theatre

2010-10-20T01:09:00.002+08:00

i wish i was a better singer. i wish i could do musicals again, and not as the chorus, but the lead. i miss the stage. life has been quiet and mundane without the thrill of the bright lights, the racing of my heart of that moment before i walk out of the curtains. mms. i miss it. but i'll get back (:

hello flatmate, i'm thinking of our pumpkins. halloween's coming (:

my birthday feels alot more quiet this year. without the usual excitement. somehow, it feels that my birthday has become something of a burden. i have to please people, think of ways to celebrate with my various groups of friends or family, fit their preferences & their timetables. i'm tired. i always wondered if it was because i always organised my own birthday parties that no one ever asked me out to celebrate my birthday. that i always made things convenient for them, so no one thought to ask otherwise. and yet it seems that isn't the reason. shrugs. perhaps its because i haven't celebrated my birthday in singapore in 3 years? haha. it feels abit hollow. or maybe we're too old for special celebrations? have i moved on to orderly, little dinners then? or maybe i should just get over it already and realise it is another day.

mms, i still remember chor ming with my cupcake on my 20th. and cass, ming & chor ming [and stanley. haha] on my 21st (: the sweet but erh rather big failure of my surprise 19th. orchestrated by the oddest person in retrospect. and the wonderful 16th.

i think i'm getting depressed from staying at home -.- and the fact that he's around. can't wait for the oppressive air here to be gone for at least a few days. sighs. self-pity is a disgusting bitter taste in my mouth. i'm better than that.

2010-10-19T23:10:00.003+08:00

sighs. on afternoons when my irritating father rings & forces me out of bed, and nights when he constantly wakes me up from my nighttime naps, or intrudes in my life, i really really wish i was back in 71 marchmont street. or had an apt of my own here. or even back in high holborn -.- this is how much i love my freedom and hate ppl interfering my in life.

the woes of being financially dependent. this annoyance is not being soothed by e fact tt i'm stuck at home all day (attempting) to mug. grumbles.

2010-10-16T02:49:00.003+08:00

i totally get the concept and story behind 'love, eat, pray'. well maybe not the pray part. maybe my story will be 'love, eat, travel & shop'. now that sounds so much better. hahaha.

i can so see myself in that position in like 10, 20 years. searching the world for the beauty, excitement, thrill, fear, freedom, simplicity, unbridled happiness and fresh air. escapism is my best friend.

straight, bold & unwavering lines are clearly drawn in bright neon yellow. and it feels like there's a million hands hovering around me waiting to grab me back into my boundaries the moment i put a toe out of one. i wonder if i'm shunning society, or shunning singapore's societal expectations?

my escapist tendencies and crazy dreams are the very opposite of stability. the irony of my wants.

mms. when i first heard florence & the machine's album, all i heard was the first 20 seconds of 'dog days are over' and i immediately bought the cd. i remember thinking at the time (in my favourite roughtrade), that this was the perfect song for another of my escapist holidays. and to my delight, it became the title song of 'eat pray love'. ah (:

ps. did i mention julia roberts & i have the same birthday? :D she is my star

2010-10-10T01:06:00.003+08:00

hello i miss you. but i can't don't quite know how to say it. it's lodged at the back of my throat. i can't swallow it, but neither can i spit it out.

i'm going crazy in this house. is it me that's changed? or her? i miss the quietness i had in london. the freedom, independence and ability to breathe. i'm better at long-distance relationships with them i think. love from afar yeah? i'm just holding on, waiting for the next two, three years to pass. quickly please.

Tomorrow I could be an urn of ashes or buried 6 feet under..

2010-10-07T01:32:00.000+08:00

2010-10-03T04:12:00.002+08:00

how vulnerable each bright spark can be. how quickly or easily it can be smothered. out of nowhere. my heart ached the whole day. i hope you're in a better place. where nothing bad or painful happens anymore.

its been a bad week. let tmr come quickly please.

2010-10-02T02:37:00.003+08:00

somedays when i feel i can't breathe, when i feel i've lost that lightness inside of me, when i feel claustrophobic in this city with citizens who have no clue about the concept of personal space, when i feel at the bottom of the well, or i miss the world outside.. i go here, listen to the soundtrack for awhile.

and everything just melts away.

i can be back on that rooftop, perched on the santorini cliffs, watching the sun dip lower and lower into the sea. i can be back at the top of the snowy white mountain, with the fluffy white snow swirling around me and the wind whistling in my ear. i can be back in that sanctuary that's loss to me forever, but preserved carefully and tenderly in my heart and soul. the place where it was cold, quiet, peaceful, had everything, plus my best friend next door. or i can be back to the winter-y streets of london on a frigid night, prancing down soho at close to midnight after roast duck with angela and then heading to snog cause i thought of joyce. or i can be back at wall street pier, alone in the darkness, watching the sun set, shivering like mad, but trying to get my shaking hands to steady so that i could get that shot of the sunset over new york. or i can be back on that grassy field in the park atop one of prague's hills. watching angela sleep, basking under the bright sunlight like a cat, while i lie under the shade, watching the clouds drift by above the canopy or the daffodils sway next to me. how i miss the places, how i miss the people, how i miss that freedom.

hello my baby (: i put it out of my head, i try not to think. but sometimes, i realise you're not there. and its like an empty hole. i miss you.

2010-09-29T02:03:00.002+08:00

for someone who shuns the sunlight and loves the night, i somehow envision the rest of my life like an over-exposed photo taken on velvia film. white, bright, dreamy-quality, with splotches of intense colour. that is somehow what i see my future to be.

2010-09-28T16:51:00.002+08:00

hello my soulmate (:

we aren't too good at saying mushy things outright to each other. but texts/emails/notes seem to be a completely different matter.

i don't even know why i'm writing this really. but just to say i love you, you make me giggle & laugh like no one else can, you make me grin like a fool, and you make me want to spend the rest of my life with you (cohabitation with our husbands eh?) hahaha.

ps. i don't think he has ticklish ears -.- the boys are flicking his ears -.- he is merely flinching :p

2010-09-28T15:26:00.001+08:00

mms i'm totally eying the new ipod touch :D TEEHEE. it's the iphone without the phone. perfect :D

2010-09-22T03:33:00.002+08:00

at the end of the day, it simply boils down to wanting my presence to be felt. or perhaps the other way around, having my absence felt. but then again, life moves on regardless of how big or small there is in you. so is everyone expendable then?

2010-09-21T22:23:00.001+08:00

this video reached inside and grabbed hold of something and shook it real hard.

mms. jared leto is sexy.

i miss all the gigs in london ):

2010-09-18T23:38:00.003+08:00

i like the korean mentality about life.

it doesn't matter what you do in this world, as long as you do your best and leave a mark in the world.

mms, i miss the dinners joyce, kenneth, chor ming & i used to have ): oh flatmates, where are all of you ))):